Bromans 10/12/17--Season 1 Episode 5 summary

Previously on “Bromans”: Liam and Jordan's “punishment” was to be locked up for the day. Liam got let out earlier, because Jade and Ellie had to do the first challenge instead of their boyfriends, and Ellie killed it. Eventually Jordan did get out though, but not before Dominus showed up to read him some bad poetry. The girls also had to cook, which was pathetic but I guess there was some humor in it anyway. The final challenge was wrestling, in the black speedos, oiled up. But oiled up by your opponents girlfriend. I love this show. Dino, Brandon, Tom, and Jordan all won their battles. Even though Doctore tried to argue in favor of Glenn, he and Tian were up for elimination. The vote was split right down the middle, so the Emperor gets to have the last say, and Tian was banished. (click for more)

Lounging around and discussing how Doctore is the “ultimate Broman”. It's true. Everyone else lounges around and appears to be in a pretty good mood. Doctore and Dominus watch them from their usual balcony and disapprove. New recruit time: Chet and Helen. Chet claims to be a model, but he is covered in solid tattoos from his chin all the way down to his feet. Generally models don't have so many tats. Helen has blue hair. They both claim to be “social media influencers” but do not explain what that means. Are they YouTubers? Do they have a carefully curated Instagram where they just post thirst traps? I need this information to judge them! Chet says that Helen is fiery or something, and she yells at him that he's supposed to support her. So he gets sarcastic and is all “Helen is amazing and she's not a psychopath, how about that?” This is in their interview time, so it doesn't bode well for them getting along during the show. Also not boding well: she thought she was an “inflicter”. She says they have no intelligence? Is that what it's called? They both think everyone will be frightened, but they didn't see the amount of tats on Tian.

Announcer Roman lets us know that everyone WILL be surprised because Nicola and Helen know each other. Or at least, have met before. Fucking awesome. Nicola mutters “oh for fuck's sake”. She's tells us she's freaking out and shaking. Jordan and Jade already seem annoyed, and as Chet and Helen try to figure out who is paired with who, both Nicola and Helen do the talk to the hand thing. We're off to a great start, I see. As Nicola explains it, she wanted to get braids. At some point Helen had had dreadlocks. Let's also point out that Helen is white and Nicola is not. Anyway, after that Helen went to Brandon complaining that Nicola was terrible and always copying her and blah blah. Yeah you really don't have intelligence if you are going to conflate braids and dreadlocks. They have possibly the dumbest fight, where Helen says she doesn't want to speak to Nicola, and Nicola appears to be shushing her. You could probably both shut up. One of you should stop and take the high road. Cherelle can't believe someone would come into a group like that. True. Chet tells Helen she's an idiot, and she tells him not to make a scene in front of everyone. This is during an interview where they're off in an alley somewhere. He fires back that she totally just made a scene, and she says she had a reason. Sure. But he has no reason to so his scene is not OK. Chet's a punk too, though, because he tells Dino he looks like he fancies himself. Cherelle promises to have Nicola's back. They get revenge by telling Helen about the cooking in graphic detail. Nice.

Roman says Doctore is “sizzling away” in the coliseum, waiting to “drill” the lads. I will never get tired of Roman saying Doctore is drilling the lads, or waiting to drill the lads, or is giving them a hard drilling, or any other statement of that nature. Doctore asks Liam if he should bring Ellie in instead. Heh. Time to be tested on your teamwork. They'll be shackled together and do everything together. “Everything”. The pairs are Brandon and Jordan, Liam and Glenn, Dino and Callum, and Tom and Chet. Chet says he could have been partnered with someone much worse, not gonna lie, and then kisses Tom on the cheek. Tom laughs and says he's gorgeous. Someone is writing fan fiction about this right now. Chet tells Doctore his name is Chet Sket, and most of the boys giggle and get yelled at. Meanwhile Jade is telling some of the girls that Jordan needs to quit fucking around. Doctore gets back at Jordan and Chet by...making the other boys do press-ups as ordered by Jordan. Huh? Plus for these boys I'm sure push-ups aren't that hard. You know? Doctore gets in Jordan and Chet's faces and says if they ever keep pissing him off he will fuck them outside. I listened to it three times and I swear to God that's what he said. I swear. Jordan apologizes and Dino says he'll “smash [him] in the showers” for that. I need a minute.

Cherelle is pretending to be friendly and asking Helen what Chet is like. He's really cute and sweet. She also hopes the boys won't eat him alive. Meanwhile the lads are doing the cross-training again with the ropes and pull-ups and whatever. They do all seem to be hustling, although Chet is finding this is not what he expected. Cherelle asks if Helen thinks she'll ever sort out whatever is up with her and Nicola, and Helen immediately says no, because “she got a bit personal with me”. Huh? Meanwhile Nicola is over by the pool saying “Talk a bit louder, babe” and “I'm still waiting for you to talk to me, though.” She did, though, if only to tell you to she doesn't want to speak to you. Nicola imitates her, and then is like “oh why are you saying that behind that fence” and I'm kind of getting tired of this argument. Just fight already. Meanwhile Dino is picking at Chet for acting tough, and Chet is vaguely threatening in that way where you can pretend that's not what you meant. Glenn and Callum jump in, with Callum actually threatening to knock his head off. Dino says to them to save Chet for him. Nice. Dino can probably back it up. Unlike Liam, who is also joining in but I'm sorry, Liam, you have been completely useless this whole time so your threats seem pretty empty to me. Now Chet starts making fun of him for chanting about “doing it for Ellie” which is just a dick move. Come on.

The boys return to the courtyard, and Helen shrieks and runs over to Chet. The lads explain about their morning. Tom says he's been stuck to this wanker. Heh. Chet admits he's tired. Dino and Callum bitch about how Chet's been here one day and already he's put his dick out on the table. Full disclosure: I tweeted about Bromans a couple weeks ago (something dumb someone said) and Dino and Callum both liked my tweet. I was excited about this, which probably means I need to reexamine my life. Chet tells everyone the other lads hate him, and Helen is all “because you're the best!”. Ugh. They really do not like Chet.

Dominus plays the harp, which is super fake. It's not even strung properly, you can see how slack the strings are. He says he has grave news, prompting someone to say “nice”, which means he has to explain to them that “grave” means “bad”. Sigh. The Emperor is bored, so the girls have to put on a show and tell “the epic tale” of their time on the show. In the same pairs as the boys. Helen and Rhiannon have to write a song, Jade and Nicola are given “acting”, Summer and Rachel have interpretive dance, and Cherelle and Ellie are “clowning”. The best pair will get a cheese and wine night at the dumb fake club.

Liam and Glenn shower together, because they have to. Liam says “fucking” and it is not bleeped, but in the subtitles they put asterisks. I do not understand the censorship on this show. There are some shots of bare asses, which I appreciate, and also Dino telling Callum to lie down, and then Dino will lie on top of him and they'll tan that way. What? Jordan and Brandon give each other wedgies. Helen gets shit on by a bird. She says she can't sing but she can make beans on toast. What. Rhiannon works while Helen just sits there. Jade makes plans to make fun of Liam.

Now it's showtime, and the lads are back. Cherelle and Ellie are up first, and they just go all in. Ellie flexes and just keeps saying “My name's Chet!” over and over, while Cherelle has smeared lipstick all over her mouth and half her face, and she's strutting around shushing people and doing the talk to the hand gesture. Damn, I am really impressed they just went straight there. Obviously everyone else laughs but Chet looks irritated. Helen is at the very least pretending to think it's funny. She says in interview that the worst thing they said was she has big lips, but she does have big lips and Chet loves them, so whatever. Then Jade and Nicola pretend to be two of the boys and fight in a terrible fashion. Hee. Helen and Rhiannon do a terrible rap, which they are reading off a paper and still not doing it great. Jade knows Rhiannon probably did all the work. Rachel and Summer do some pantomime to a poem they wrote. Said pantomime includes pelvic thrusts and calling Helen a “swine”. Dominus declares Summer and Ellie the winners. Liam and Glenn hug each other which is cute. Aww.

The winners go get their cheese and breadsticks and wine, which is labeled “Spartacus Shiraz”. Which Summer pronounces “Shear-iz” which is cute. Glenn tries to fool everyone about how to hold their wine glasses. Then he says he didn't know goat's made cheese and then that it smells like “Dominus's ass crack”. First of all how dare you. Goat's cheese is delicious. Second, you don't know what Dominus's ass crack smells like. Probably. Summer tells him to get drunk so they can go back to the bedroom.

Meanwhile, Helen and Chet are talking about Nicola, again, some more. Hilariously Tom is stuck on their bed while they're having this conversation, just turned away from them and looking terribly uncomfortable. They also are not trying to keep their voices down at all. Chet says that Helen walked in and started in on Nicola, which wasn't the smartest move because it caused a scene. Helen believes that not causing a scene would be fake, because she doesn't like Nicola. Fine, but there's not faking being friends and there's going out of your way to snipe at people. Chet begs Tom for help but he doesn't do anything. Chet wants her to apologize, but Helen is not having it and says some shit about “I'm not licking her ass”. What the fuck are you talking about? Anyway, no one is going to apologize here. Tom says to just be civil and that would be “dandy”, so Chet and Helen both make fun of him. You wanted his help, damn. Summer is saying Helen was unnecessary when she came in, and Glenn says he's going to use the biggest word he's ever used: facade. Heh. Oh meanwhile there's a thunderstorm coming. Ellie says if you're going to talk like that you need to back it up.

At some point Helen has left her boyfriend, and Nicola comes over and says it's time for them to talk. Helen rolls her eyes but they at least start talking. Nicola isn't apologizing, and Helen says something about getting personal, which is rich because I'm pretty sure Helen was personal before she said one word. Nicola is saying something about eyebrows, and then Helen is like “don't come over to apologize and then get cocky”. I don't think Nicola was apologizing. She said you wanted her to apologize, which is not the same thing. It gets really dumb because Helen is pointing at Nicola and Nicola is now repeating “put your hand down” over and over with a smirk on her face. Her hand isn't in your face. You look obnoxious. Brandon pinches the bridge of his nose and asks Helen to calm her voice. So now Helen is raising her voice and they're all on her for that, so Helen asks why Nicola even came over here anyway. Nicola wants to clear the air, but Helen says it's not going to happen. That's certainly true. No one is going to win this argument. When Helen tells Brandon to come get his girlfriend, he says that Helen should apologize for digging Nicola for no reason. Oh she had a reason. I mean, it's probably dumb, but in her mind she had a reason. Brandon feels that all Helen needs to apologize for is for accusing Nicola of copying her, because they're two different people. Helen rolls her eyes and says they'll just say “sorry” and leave it at that, but Nicola says that's not good enough because she's not doing talking. OK but now you're the one digging her for no reason. No one is going to apologize and no one is sorry. The best outcome here is for the two of you to never speak to or about each other until one of you goes home. Nicola keeps yelling about how Helen needs to put her hands down, but her own hand is raised and it's not like anyone is in anyone's face with the hands. Brandon asks his girlfriend to not raise her voice and to be the better person. Nicola waves her hands around while she talks, because apparently she's the only one who can use her hands today. She tells Helen she's fucking thick, with no common sense, and that she had said the issue was the braids and now it's not, and when Helen says something else she yells at her to shut up. And Helen just jumps her and grabs her hair. Tom and Chet (and actually a bunch of people) jump in, as do two security guards in T-shirts. OK they were there almost immediately. Did you call them to come stand around? Did you expect a fight and instead of deescalating you just made sure there was some security? That's pretty shady. Anyway, Helen walks off, after calling Nicola a slut for good measure.

Chet says his girlfriend is an idiot. When he says this, it looks like he's alone and not shackled to Tom. It looks like most people have walked outside with Nicola, including Tom, who says that's violent and you can't be doing that shit. Yeah pretty much every American reality show I've watched, physically assaulting another contestant is an immediate ejection. When everyone comes back in, Nicola says to Chet that his girlfriend is an animal, which is unnecessary. Yeah, she is, but she's gone at this point and telling Chet his girlfriend sucks doesn't accomplish anything. Chet says they were in each other's faces and it's hard for him because he told her not to. Also all the boys are in on him too. Callum seems particularly pissed at him and I'm not sure why. Rachel says something about how Callum has been saying things about Helen but not Chet, but Chet's taking it personally maybe? Actually I think Chet could hear them outside talking about Helen and he thinks Callum was talking about him? I have no idea. Yeah, so I think Callum said “Chet the Sket” or however Chet introduced himself to Doctore earlier and then Chet is still insulted, so now he's all “what's your problem” about it. Callum says everything about him is the problem. Callum walks away as Chet won't shut up and calls him a hater. Then Callum runs at him, giving everyone a million years to hold him back. I wonder if Callum really wanted to fight. He doesn't seem like the type to fly off the handle, you know? So he did that “hold me back!” thing that I have seen my students do a million times, where you lunge at people but make sure someone is near you to restrain you so you don't have to fight. Not that I don't think Callum could take him, but I think Callum doesn't want whatever consequences come from it. Security is right there again. After they are separated Chet won't shut the fuck up because he has no sense. Jade says she's glad she didn't win a reward because she would have missed all the fun. Chet and Helen are “removed from the palace”, says Roman, until the Emperor can decide what to do.

In the morning, everyone is still kind of low. Nicola says she's alright, just angry. Callum says he just saw red and now he feels like a dick. Nicola is convinced they'll be back. Summer says she doesn't think ancient Roman wives would have fought. Probably not? Spartan wives would have though. Glenn opines that there was no social media back then to wind everyone up. Hee. It's true though. Brandon says he's got Nicola's back. Aww, that was sweet.

Time for the Cesspit. Also it's raining, for more fun. Chet and Helen are not here. Doctore says someone has angered the gods. Doctore wants to see chaos and destruction. Someone has put artful bubbling in the pool. Lads on one side of the pool (no pedestals today) and girls in a random order on the other side. The objective is to cross the pool twice, to get sandbags. Then the final trip is to collect your girlfriend and carrying them back to the other side and ring a bell. Various trash talking happens. Summer says if Glenn drops her she'll be pissed, but he is only worried about his hair. Jordan and Jade do some chest thumping. You know, I think I like all of these contestants except for Chet and Helen. Even Nicola, although she did contribute to whatever stupidity happened last night. But they're all growing on me. Another sign to rethink my life.

Running through water and a very small amount of tackling. Dino seems to be first, while Glenn is struggling. Dino and Liam are also tallest, which helps here. Dino and Cherelle are first, followed closely by Liam and Ellie. It's pretty close, except for Glenn, who keeps getting shoved by everyone and is dead last. At least he knocks Tom over. Actually, as everyone else is returning with their girlfriends, Glenn is ignoring Summer to shove everyone else. Doctore just laughs. It was pointless, because it's not like you have to go back to where you started if you fall down, so everyone just gets back up and finishes. Doctore complains that this was a test of fighting ability, and no one fought except for Glenn. Get lost! I love how Doctore hates all of them basically.

Dominus and Doctore complain about the weather and how that trial was boring except for Glenn. Dominus has some kind of plan. He won't explain but Doctore is excited anyway. Everyone goes back to the bedroom and talks about who might be banished. Jordan and Tom declare Liam up for banishment, even though Ellie won and Liam came in second. Glenn is somewhat worried.

Emperor's council. Dominus explains the new recruits are fighting outside the coliseum and that is not acceptable. Liam is kind of useless. Brandon hasn't been doing well, but Doctore thinks he is “ready to rise”. Glenn's name comes up, but Doctore really likes Glenn, as we've seen.

Banishment time. Dominus says something about “unrest” and then calls Chet and Helen out from wherever they were hiding. Dominus says their actions are “unbefitting of Roman citizens” and therefore they're banished. Not surprising. Then Doctore says that Chet is “an honorable man” which makes zero sense, and tells them they get final words. Why though. This is going to be stupid. Chet immediately goes for Nicola, saying she antagonized Helen and that Helen kept her cool for a long time. Wrong. Nicola has no reaction. Callum is a hater, and Chet has done nothing to him. Doctore and Dominus exchange a look and a smirk, and Glenn just starts saying Chet's gone. Yeah, everyone is laughing at him now. You see, this backfired, you morons. Anyway, they light Chet's banner on fire and kick them out, as everyone else cheers. Helen says she has no regrets with Nicola because she is “irrelevant”. If she's so irrelevant, why did you spend so much energy saying shit to her and talking about her? Chet is proud they ruffled feathers. Helen brags that she came in and ruffled some feathers and now she's leaving.

Oops, Dominus says someone else is getting eliminated. Aww. Liam and Brandon are up for elimination. That makes zero sense. Ellie won her competition. I get that Doctore likes Glenn, because I like Glenn too, but come on. Liam really wants to be there and he loves all of them. Brandon puts his all in everything, and he hopes it's not his time to go, but if it is, then it is. People clap for him which isn't a great sign. I mean, it's not a great sign for Liam. The whispering is as ever. They vote, and only Callum and Rachel vote for Liam. Pretty sure that's Rachel. Liam says he doesn't give a fuck. It's kind of sad, but he was pretty useless. Too little, too late. At least they went out on a high. Plus he tells Ellie she's been incredible. Aww.

Next time: more fighting, Jordan and Glenn bitching at each other, etc.